I haven’t had much to say because inner reflective, analytical Davina has been shelved. Sometimes she wears me out, always trying to figure out why things are the way they are and such. She gets me all tied up in knots and frankly I just need a break.
My level of expectation in life has changed too. I’ve endured a lot of heart ache and pain. My heart as been deconstructed and reconstructed enough now that I don’t recognize it as my own. I pray that it’s somewhere in the process of becoming a heart towards God’s.
The sharpness of life’s edges have also been dulled down or perhaps my armor against it’s cuts is tough enough now that I’m not as easily pushed over.
One thing I do recognize though is I am filled with emptiness in three areas of my life. The first an emptiness of recognition from the pastoral authority of my life that will empower me to alleviate the second emptiness of ministry within the church. The third, well love…the emptiness of the expectation of being truly in love with someone who loves me back to the same degree if not greater.
How do I deal with these things? Well I just keep my eyes and head down and try my best. I substitute my time with activities outside the church walls and support/volunteer for other causes. And lastly I ignore the dull ache in my heart for companionship.
What I do know is that I’m not selling myself short of what I truly want or need. Ultimately if that means I am alone for an extensive amount of time so be it. The thought of aloneness terrifies me I’ll admit but to settle for something convenient and not be happy or complete isn’t the answer either.
All in all I am a woman rebuilding herself…