For several years on end now I have penned my thoughts on the year that is coming to a close and speculated on the year that is to come. In all fairness I was quite gentle on myself at the beginning of 2010. Two thousand and nine and been a rough year on me. One that shook the very foundations of the faith I’ve built my life on. I said something to the effect that my core values, morals, faith and identity had been brought to question and I only hoped to find some semblance of normalcy again. Four days into this new year of mine I felt broken and defeated by my decision making and I looked to God to help me pick up the pieces to the life I made a mess of. Little did I know my world was about to be turned upside down and this broken down faith of mine would have to work to keep us afloat.
Nine days into the new year my family suffered a severe blow. In one writing I described it as a house that was plowed down and left in an unrecognizable heap of debris and we were left to shuffle through the remains and dig until we hit the foundation. Knowing, that if the foundation of the house was still intact the house could be rebuilt. In my weakest form God took me through the toughest storm and asked me to stand and he worked on me. Last year God really became my salvation. My Savior, my redeemer and Calvary became alive for me. I was, I am a sinner saved by grace and I’m not so sure I really understood what it meant to need a Savior up until 2009. In the year 2010 God became my Father.
A Father’s love…man, I know when I look at my kids and even when they are screwing up I never treat them disrespectfully nor do I turn away from them when it becomes painful to see their actions play out for the worst. I do my best to be there for them and give them to tools they need to be better and succeed and I believe they are incredible because I made them. Well if I have this kind of love I have for my kids, my Father's is magnified by eternity. Not once has He turned away in disgust when I screw up, He hasn’t been disrespectful and He has never told me to leave. In the midst of EVERYTHING He has kept it together for me and has had abundant grace on my humanity.
I’ve walked through this year still a complete mess but through every up and down and every good and bad decision my Father oh so gently has taken care of me. First off within weeks of the crumbling house He literally hid me under the shadow of His wings and supplied a trip out of here. The kids, myself, and my niece were able to get away for a small reprieve in the midst of chaos. How did I have the foresight and funds to book a trip to San Diego? God, that’s how, He prepared a place for us to disconnect, breathe, bond and create colorful memories in a scene painted in harsh shades of gray. I remember looking across that beach and seeing those babies playing in the sand and tears of joy filling my eyes of pure love and thankfulness to my kind and gracious Father.
In the midst of my trial and my humanity at play I am filled with regret. So much regret. I feel broken down and crushed, filled with emotional heart pain that expresses itself physically, incredibly weary and my self confidence has flown out the window long ago…despair and depression try and fill my days with lethargic passive self abuse that becomes evident in my eating habits. This is what I’ve become in my flesh and standing here alone this is all I’ve got left to show, a house in crumbled debris. However, thank God in heaven I have another part of me that has a Hope anchored in eternal glory with my Father.
Romans 5:1-7 (hold on to your seats this is a good one) Therefore being justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only, so but we glory in tribulation also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed because the Love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
My faith, as beaten up as it was walking into this year has given me access into His grace. Wherein I stand and rejoice in hope therefore helping me to glory in tribulation, knowing that this process is working out in me something greater than I can imagine. Regrets are experiences that I count as tools of wisdom for future decision making. Psalms 34:18 says the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. The debris was swept away from the house and the foundation was intact.,,2 Timothy 2:19 nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal. The Lord knoweth them that are His. This house can be rebuilt.
Within the first few hours of the initial blow to my house my sister, parents, kids, and Ken had a prayer meeting . Physically, mentally, emotionally broken I laid before the Lord with no words to console my children and no words to communicate my hurt to God. And ever so gently the Living Word of God came as a reassuring rescuing promise “Because thou has set your love upon Me therefore I will deliver you. I will set you on high because thou hast known My name. You will call upon Me and I will answer you. I will be with you in trouble. I will deliver you and honor you”. Psalms 91:14-15. I got up from the floor wiped my eyes and lift my hands and without feeling one ounce of Holy Ghost chills or authority I worshipped. And from that moment to this I have stood on that Word.
One of the biggest questions on my mind this year has been how can I be so full of ugliness, sin, and broken up yet Father keeps walking with me. He provides everything, I look around me and I am at want for absolutely NOTHING, long before the storm my Father prepared us… there have been a few mishaps here and there and being the spoiled brat I am I have “wanted” for things but never have I once needed something that He didn’t already supply or worked it out. My Father even worked out another vacation for us. Again, right at a crucial time of transition through this ongoing trial. I got to see the faces of my kids once again look across the endless ocean in another country, on a boat, in five different cities.
In the midst of the greatest trial of my life I have seen some amazing mountain tops. So I thank God for every moment of this year, every hurt and pain, every devastation, failure, and short coming, for every disappointment, and for every valley. These things will shape and mold me to become that which He has purposed me to become. And I thank him for every moment of happiness, every victory, every blessing, every mountain top, for every reprieve and every quiet moment in His presences. These things will sustain me and build and fashion me to become.
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