Today I witnessed one of the most surreal moments of my life. I could have never guessed that my life would take a turn like this one. I am so guarded and so careful with things and yet I find myself wandering this road of uncertainty. My heart broke today with the weight of all that we face as a family. I wondered as I propped my limp body up against that doorway "Will I be able to even move from this spot. Can I keep my head propped up and my heart can I rip it from my chest cause this pain is too severe." I wasn't expecting any of that. My exterior armour failed me miserably. Now I sit here in the dark typing on in agony trying to reach for substance, something, someone out there with something more than this nicotine craving ravishing body insisting I give in to the nothingness it holds. Simply said I need the Love of God to nurture and heal me but I fear that what I am not, who I am, and what I do or fail to do will make his hand short as I back away in unworthiness to call upon a name.
Someday this will be nothing more than a light affliction compared to the Glory that I'll be engulfed in. Oh, what a day....Hope anchor me to the Author and Finisher of my faith who began a good work in me and who will see it through to the end.

Things seem to be getting back on track. It takes a lot of deliberate thought and discipline. I'm not sure if my feelings have changed about somethings but my logic doesn't give much room for my emotions to take over. There is a dull numb ache I try to ignore in my chest that every now and then again thuds against the shallow banks of the river of choices and circumstances. But day by day I put one foot in front of another and I breathe on breath at a time and I get through it. Learning to live a new way...