Nine days into 2010...nine freakin days. Seriously?

I need a sign to let me know You're here. All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere. I need to know that things are gonna look up. 'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup. I want a reason for the way things have to be. I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me...

New year

This past year flew by for me. It was hard to get a hold of. It seemed like everything and anything all happened at once with hardly a moment to process it.
I have learned so much about myself. I’ve seen my faith, my morals, values, beliefs, and character all challenged like never before. I can’t make up my mind whether I have regrets for my decision making or if I am all the wiser for my experiences.
What I would like to do is close the book on 2009 and take the time this year to deliberately live my life one moment at a time considering the decisions I make and the results they will produce. I need to seek God more than anything, I feel like these past several months my decisions have only led me further away from my ultimate goal and that is to make it to heaven. I can pursue happiness in this life but not at the cost of losing eternal life in the other.
Still I can’t help but think that happiness will always be just out of my reach. Close but never attainable…I know that a lot of it has to do with my mindset and how I perceive my circumstance and act and react to them But I can’t help but wonder if achieving happiness means that I will be giving up part of who I am and want to be in order to conform to the standards my circumstances dictate.
The dreams and aspirations I have had in the past all seem bleak and unachievable and I know that without a vision I will perish. So somewhere along the journey of this year I need to take hold of those things again.
I can’t say that I am walking into this year with an absolute mindset of how things need to be. My heart and desires are still struggling against my logic and will. I only hope that somewhere along the way I can overcome and be the woman of God He has predestined me to be. I pray that my faith fails me not.
I can’t help but think that if I can shed and break away from the environment I’ve been living in this will happen. My growth has been stunted from my decisions and from the effects of where I am living and trying to be nurtured. All I can do is keep walking and pressing trying to forget and continue to reach. Somewhere beyond my understanding He makes all things new.