close out to 2010

For several years on end now I have penned my thoughts on the year that is coming to a close and speculated on the year that is to come. In all fairness I was quite gentle on myself at the beginning of 2010. Two thousand and nine and been a rough year on me. One that shook the very foundations of the faith I’ve built my life on. I said something to the effect that my core values, morals, faith and identity had been brought to question and I only hoped to find some semblance of normalcy again. Four days into this new year of mine I felt broken and defeated by my decision making and I looked to God to help me pick up the pieces to the life I made a mess of. Little did I know my world was about to be turned upside down and this broken down faith of mine would have to work to keep us afloat.
Nine days into the new year my family suffered a severe blow. In one writing I described it as a house that was plowed down and left in an unrecognizable heap of debris and we were left to shuffle through the remains and dig until we hit the foundation. Knowing, that if the foundation of the house was still intact the house could be rebuilt. In my weakest form God took me through the toughest storm and asked me to stand and he worked on me. Last year God really became my salvation. My Savior, my redeemer and Calvary became alive for me. I was, I am a sinner saved by grace and I’m not so sure I really understood what it meant to need a Savior up until 2009. In the year 2010 God became my Father.
A Father’s love…man, I know when I look at my kids and even when they are screwing up I never treat them disrespectfully nor do I turn away from them when it becomes painful to see their actions play out for the worst. I do my best to be there for them and give them to tools they need to be better and succeed and I believe they are incredible because I made them. Well if I have this kind of love I have for my kids, my Father's is magnified by eternity. Not once has He turned away in disgust when I screw up, He hasn’t been disrespectful and He has never told me to leave. In the midst of EVERYTHING He has kept it together for me and has had abundant grace on my humanity.

I’ve walked through this year still a complete mess but through every up and down and every good and bad decision my Father oh so gently has taken care of me. First off within weeks of the crumbling house He literally hid me under the shadow of His wings and supplied a trip out of here. The kids, myself, and my niece were able to get away for a small reprieve in the midst of chaos. How did I have the foresight and funds to book a trip to San Diego? God, that’s how, He prepared a place for us to disconnect, breathe, bond and create colorful memories in a scene painted in harsh shades of gray. I remember looking across that beach and seeing those babies playing in the sand and tears of joy filling my eyes of pure love and thankfulness to my kind and gracious Father.

In the midst of my trial and my humanity at play I am filled with regret. So much regret. I feel broken down and crushed, filled with emotional heart pain that expresses itself physically, incredibly weary and my self confidence has flown out the window long ago…despair and depression try and fill my days with lethargic passive self abuse that becomes evident in my eating habits. This is what I’ve become in my flesh and standing here alone this is all I’ve got left to show, a house in crumbled debris. However, thank God in heaven I have another part of me that has a Hope anchored in eternal glory with my Father.
Romans 5:1-7 (hold on to your seats this is a good one) Therefore being justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only, so but we glory in tribulation also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed because the Love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
My faith, as beaten up as it was walking into this year has given me access into His grace. Wherein I stand and rejoice in hope therefore helping me to glory in tribulation, knowing that this process is working out in me something greater than I can imagine. Regrets are experiences that I count as tools of wisdom for future decision making. Psalms 34:18 says the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. The debris was swept away from the house and the foundation was intact.,,2 Timothy 2:19 nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal. The Lord knoweth them that are His. This house can be rebuilt.
Within the first few hours of the initial blow to my house my sister, parents, kids, and Ken had a prayer meeting . Physically, mentally, emotionally broken I laid before the Lord with no words to console my children and no words to communicate my hurt to God. And ever so gently the Living Word of God came as a reassuring rescuing promise “Because thou has set your love upon Me therefore I will deliver you. I will set you on high because thou hast known My name. You will call upon Me and I will answer you. I will be with you in trouble. I will deliver you and honor you”. Psalms 91:14-15. I got up from the floor wiped my eyes and lift my hands and without feeling one ounce of Holy Ghost chills or authority I worshipped. And from that moment to this I have stood on that Word.
One of the biggest questions on my mind this year has been how can I be so full of ugliness, sin, and broken up yet Father keeps walking with me. He provides everything, I look around me and I am at want for absolutely NOTHING, long before the storm my Father prepared us… there have been a few mishaps here and there and being the spoiled brat I am I have “wanted” for things but never have I once needed something that He didn’t already supply or worked it out. My Father even worked out another vacation for us. Again, right at a crucial time of transition through this ongoing trial. I got to see the faces of my kids once again look across the endless ocean in another country, on a boat, in five different cities.

In the midst of the greatest trial of my life I have seen some amazing mountain tops. So I thank God for every moment of this year, every hurt and pain, every devastation, failure, and short coming, for every disappointment, and for every valley. These things will shape and mold me to become that which He has purposed me to become. And I thank him for every moment of happiness, every victory, every blessing, every mountain top, for every reprieve and every quiet moment in His presences. These things will sustain me and build and fashion me to become.

The Sap

Things have changed so much in my life and in my ministry these past few years. I am confident that the root of this changed was birthed in much prayer and devotion. Let’s say that this root systems dates back far beyond the day my life “fell apart”. It all began with “The Sap” let me explain…
Remember the summer of the teachings about “abiding in Me as I abide in you and I am the vine and ye are the branches”…if you’re abiding then whatever sap your feeling is a direct result of what you’re getting from the vine. I also like to call that the “Summer of Love”. I can’t remember a time when more sermons where preached about the Love and Favor of God. During this time I earnestly sought after God because so many of the questions my heart had asked where being answered and truth was being revealed to me. And from that point to this my life has forever been changed.
By nature or by God given sap I tend to be a giver…I see a need and I want to give to the cause and remedy the hurts and strain of people’s lives. However within this gift I had a self righteous, judgmental attitude. I lacked compassion…funny to be able to give so freely but not have compassion if you asked me. Thankfully the Lord showed compassion on me and through many lessons taught me how to take this gift He gave me and administer it appropriately.
For many years I struggled with my identity. I knew I was a child of God and that He was the Author and Finisher of my faith. But I did not know who I was within the body. My natural sap wants to reach outside the church walls in ministry and touch the lives of the community around me. But for many years my ministry was focused within the walls of my fellowship. Within the depths of me was a constant sense of un-fulfillment. Working within the walls of my fellowship I would get on these bandwagons of wanting to rally the troops so to speak and donate our time, money or talent to the less fortunate. But I would retreat in defeat when someone didn’t embrace the burden to the degree in which it was burning in me. So I would leave my gift lying dormant and unused collecting dust on a shelf until I pulled it out once a year to give coats out in the winter.
I was blessed to be a part of an impacting youth retreat filled with the Word of God and clarification on what the true Fruits of the Spirit are. There was such an anointing of truth and revelation packed into that weekend. I was challenged…challenged to break out of my shell and take responsibility for what God was revealing to me. What it meant to be a Christian. Little did I know that this foundation of faith would keep me tethered for the next most difficult two years of my adult life. I pose the question “What does it mean to be a Christian?”
To be Christ-like I need to love unconditionally. “Love your enemies, blessed them that curse you. Do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. That ye may be children of your father which is in heaven”. To be Christ-like I need to minister to the poor, the broken, and the hurting. “when you did it for the least of them you did it unto Me”. Because of the revelation of The Sap which resides in me I am much more driven with clearer vision and because of life change that kicked me out of my comfort zone and challenged me to find who I am. I am moving forward into becoming…
I am a Child of God who is seeking to become more and more like my Father.

When you are filled with the Spirit of Christ you become infused with a perpetual earnest desire that flows from your inner most being to pursue right. When you allow this regenerating force to move you forward, regardless of your failures and short comings, you'll find that grace will direct your steps and goodness will nurture and cultivate in you to...Become.

To Become...

Life certainly has its ebbs and flows its ups and downs and moments that make you think recovery is nearly impossible. But we serve a God who somehow knows how to use the good, the bad, and the ugly to work out His good will in us. He’s still working on me. Yes that old Sunday school song has become a morsel of truth and hope that all that has been and all that will be, will become. Every little piece of failure, mishap, disappointment, accomplishment , success, achievement, and victory presses and creates who I will become. And I will become that which He has designed and created me to be.

Today I witnessed one of the most surreal moments of my life. I could have never guessed that my life would take a turn like this one. I am so guarded and so careful with things and yet I find myself wandering this road of uncertainty. My heart broke today with the weight of all that we face as a family. I wondered as I propped my limp body up against that doorway "Will I be able to even move from this spot. Can I keep my head propped up and my heart can I rip it from my chest cause this pain is too severe." I wasn't expecting any of that. My exterior armour failed me miserably. Now I sit here in the dark typing on in agony trying to reach for substance, something, someone out there with something more than this nicotine craving ravishing body insisting I give in to the nothingness it holds. Simply said I need the Love of God to nurture and heal me but I fear that what I am not, who I am, and what I do or fail to do will make his hand short as I back away in unworthiness to call upon a name.
Someday this will be nothing more than a light affliction compared to the Glory that I'll be engulfed in. Oh, what a day....Hope anchor me to the Author and Finisher of my faith who began a good work in me and who will see it through to the end.

Things seem to be getting back on track. It takes a lot of deliberate thought and discipline. I'm not sure if my feelings have changed about somethings but my logic doesn't give much room for my emotions to take over. There is a dull numb ache I try to ignore in my chest that every now and then again thuds against the shallow banks of the river of choices and circumstances. But day by day I put one foot in front of another and I breathe on breath at a time and I get through it. Learning to live a new way...

What can I say this year started off pretty rough. When I thought life couldn’t get anymore difficult a chainsaw of destruction came in and tore into the fabric of our beings. Any resemblance of normal has long blown out the window of a house left in ruins. Sifting through the debris of what is left I find tarnished and broken fragments of things once deeply treasured. I gather them up and carefully place them in a bag for safe keeping. I hand my kids each a bag and a broom as we sweep through our broken dreams and gather our crushed hopes into the trash. Anything worth salvaging is carefully and tenderly set aside. We tirelessly continue to work until our minds and bodies are sore from clearing all the rubble of despair from the foundation of our home. There is a glimmer of hope that catches our eyes when see the foundation is still intact. With that we know we can build…

I wanted nothing more than to protect my kids from the harsh realities of the life I lived. I managed our lives so carefully. I measure my words and actions so intently around them. I am protective and keenly aware of wolves set on destruction. The onlooker will casually conclude that I invited the culprit in and coddled it by my apparent “rebellion” towards the establishment. But much to my dismay evil lurked within the walls of my safe harbor long before my own failures. This evil lay dormant for years and I was completely unaware of its presence and unable to do anything to stop it.

Picking up the pieces of what is left I am surprised at all that was salvaged. The core values of who we are to each other and who we are in God remain solidly inter-grained in the foundation. I wish that meant that we wouldn’t have our set backs and challenges but I have hope that this new house under construction will be a place of refuge. We won’t be able to ignore the scars that were left behind but we won’t allow them to make us inferior. We’ll use them as a fuel and a drive to excel despite their presence. This will become but a light affliction compared to the Glory that is to come.

Nine days into 2010...nine freakin days. Seriously?

I need a sign to let me know You're here. All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere. I need to know that things are gonna look up. 'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup. I want a reason for the way things have to be. I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me...

New year

This past year flew by for me. It was hard to get a hold of. It seemed like everything and anything all happened at once with hardly a moment to process it.
I have learned so much about myself. I’ve seen my faith, my morals, values, beliefs, and character all challenged like never before. I can’t make up my mind whether I have regrets for my decision making or if I am all the wiser for my experiences.
What I would like to do is close the book on 2009 and take the time this year to deliberately live my life one moment at a time considering the decisions I make and the results they will produce. I need to seek God more than anything, I feel like these past several months my decisions have only led me further away from my ultimate goal and that is to make it to heaven. I can pursue happiness in this life but not at the cost of losing eternal life in the other.
Still I can’t help but think that happiness will always be just out of my reach. Close but never attainable…I know that a lot of it has to do with my mindset and how I perceive my circumstance and act and react to them But I can’t help but wonder if achieving happiness means that I will be giving up part of who I am and want to be in order to conform to the standards my circumstances dictate.
The dreams and aspirations I have had in the past all seem bleak and unachievable and I know that without a vision I will perish. So somewhere along the journey of this year I need to take hold of those things again.
I can’t say that I am walking into this year with an absolute mindset of how things need to be. My heart and desires are still struggling against my logic and will. I only hope that somewhere along the way I can overcome and be the woman of God He has predestined me to be. I pray that my faith fails me not.
I can’t help but think that if I can shed and break away from the environment I’ve been living in this will happen. My growth has been stunted from my decisions and from the effects of where I am living and trying to be nurtured. All I can do is keep walking and pressing trying to forget and continue to reach. Somewhere beyond my understanding He makes all things new.