Comfortably Numb

I’ve recently discovered something…its kind of a revelation to me. I’ve disconnected. I think I have pinpointed the time and the place Presbyterian St. Lukes, Just a week or so before October 16th 2007.

I walked up to my Papo and I told him that the doctors were taking off the feeding and oxygen tubes keeping him alive. From that moment on I disconnected from any real emotion…from any real sensitivity. From that time until present I have been walking around comfortably numb…as Pink Floyd so eloquently put it.

I realize that I have been one throughout my life that has always kept my emotions at bay, being more logical than emotional. The answer is always easy when you approach it with cold hard factual truth. Yes, there have been times when I let my emotions get the best of me but they are few and far between.

I am not saying that for the last 2 years I have been completely void of emotion but they have been glazed over with a thick dose of lethargy; complacency perhaps…Since the passing of my Papo I have seen a lot of loss. I am sure there are people who have experienced more hurt and pain but this is my blog…

I lost my faith in church and the leadership. I have lost my faith in hope, in doing the right thing. I have lost my faith in my marriage. I have even lost my faith in the Word to some measure. I lost my grandma, losing my house, losing my grip on who I am and what I want to become. And I can honestly say that the bare bones of what I haven’t lost faith in is the Love of Jesus. It’s His Love for me that is keeping me afloat and that’s something I can’t lose.

I ask myself in all sincerity if it took all of this to get me where I am completely reliant on Calvary. I hate to say it but I know that at some point I had thought I “arrived” not to some high social status or a corporate ladder but I had pitched my tent on the corner of…”I’m married, I have a wonderful husband, great kids, two dogs, a great house, money to spend, friends to fellowship with, a great church, several ministries, knew the Word, knew how to pray, when to pray, when to worship, how to worship, and all the stuff that comes with that”.

Then it all slipped away.

I’m not so happily married, my husband is still wonderful, my great kids are fighting, my dog is peeing, I lost the house, money is tight, all friends are gone, the church body is failing to show brotherly love, I resigned from all but one of my ministries, I still know the Word but now it stands as a sword that I use to cut into the humanity of others, my prayers are weak, when I do pray, and my worship is shallow when I do worship.

I have always drawn strength from the Word of God. I know how to do that…growing up I learned the Word, I put it away in my heart and mind so I wouldn’t sin against it. I studied to show myself approved; I put on the whole amour of God. I was baptized in Jesus name, spoke in tongues when the Holy Ghost came…but somewhere when I really depended on it to keep me “safe” it failed. I guess I kinda thought that if I did all the right things, practiced the formula that I would not have to struggle with my flesh…isn’t that what’s preached all the time? Pray, fast, read the Word and you’ll overcome. WHAT DID I MISS???

I am pretty sure that all my works and all that stuff were and still are as filthy rags…my need for Calvary and for redemption have completely gone unnoticed by me until these last few months. Now I desperately need the love of Jesus and Calvary’s flow of grace but I am I chained to these feelings of inadequacy and failure. Now I don’t want to go to church, now I don’t know what to pray and I don’t know how to get to “back to good”.

I walk through life being happy on occasion but no joy. I spend time with my husband and kids but in this detached state of mind. Sometimes I stop and I notice that my mind is in a completely different place. I have been told several times recently to live in the moment I am in…it’s like I can’t focus. I go to church or listen to preaching and I can’t latch on to anything. I have no peace, no patience, no loving kindness, no meekness…no fruit of the Spirit. What the heck is wrong with me…I can not for the life of me seem to get it together.

I heard a preaching called “Don’t let you Samuel die”. Samuel representing spiritual sensitivity…I think on that day walking up to my Papo and seeing that look on his face I lost my spiritual and my emotional sensitivity to life.

I pray that I can find it…