Times....

I guess its been awhile since I've posted and reading my last post I can't believe I felt so much anticipated pressure resulting in some kind of resolution to the whole pastoral issue. Its a few days shy of November and NOTHING is different, imagine that.
A few days ago I had to do a lot of soul/life searching. Desperate for change I made a move. We are moving...in effort to change the circumstances and relationships I deal with I am physically removing myself. All the codependent entanglements will unravel and soon I hope to feel quite a bit of liberty. As always I am still unsure of what my move will be with my church attendance. Its imperative that I make the correct move.

These next few weeks bring an onslaught of change to our household again. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and pressure. Maybe if there wasn't a bunch happening all at once I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed.
Things that have been resolved that have certainly lightened the load are my settlement with my car and therefore a new car. I finally filed for a divorce and I'm just waiting for those loose ends to be tied up.
But unfortunately I am still waiting and waiting for some kind of resolution with pastorial authority in my life. And to be honest these next few moments scare me to death, I think that a big reveal is about to happen and I'm not sure if, after all this time, can I handle the outcome.
My confidence in pastorial authority has been wounded. I'd like to say that isn't the case but after almost 3 years now my issue still hasn't been resolved. I'm not going to take myself out from under the leadership of Apostolic Authority so my options are limited and my life is subject to this safety harness that is potentially stealing my life away. Such a contradiction it is...It's getting hard to breathe

There is a strange level of comfort in the recognition that its ok to be weak because in the light of God’s grace for me His strength is made perfect through that weakness. I’ve prayed countless times that God would give me a new heart, a new set of thoughts, a completely different way of acting. But much to my dismay it hasn’t happened. I have almost felt cheated and hopeless because my prayers haven’t been answered, because my thoughts haven’t been transformed into righteous pure thoughts. My flesh and the enemy mock my sincerity by calling me not sincere at all because if I was then I would be different. I almost believe them…except I remembered Paul.
Paul had a thorn in his flesh, something that he asked God to remove over and over. But God told him no. I’ve heard preachers speculate that it was a physical infirmity but I would like to think it was a mindset or perhaps a behavior he fell to despite his best efforts and his intentions not to. God told him my grace, its sufficient for you and your weakness, well that’s where my strength is made perfect so deal with living with this.
Its so hard to except that God calls us friend, son, daughter, or child when our fleshly acts can be so contrary to His holiness. When I hold up my right acts to his righteousness they are nothing but filthy rags but so often I act as if those actions entitle me to some special audience with the Lord when Jesus himself told us the story about the two men who came into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a publican. The Pharisee proudly went down the list of why he was better than publican boastfully reminding God of his righteous acts. But the publican recognized his need for mercy and for grace, he knew he was weak and undeserving of God’s attention but God justified him anyway.
As soon as I really come to terms with “its not what I do that earns me salvation but what he did to give me salvation” the sooner I can let go of these possibly unrealistic expectations of God removing this thorn from me and I can just live in the knowledge that his grace will see me through and that whatever state I’m in I should contently forget about the past, reach for the future and press towards the mark to become that which he has called me to be.

I often equate the loose ends in my life that need to be dealt with to the luggage on my floor or the mess in my closet. Monday morning I woke up to my luggage on my floor and completely overwhelmed from the night before with the constant nagging reminder that there are still so many issues in my life that are yet to be resolved. Things that I keep putting off and others that I have no control over. So halfway through mid-morning I made a decision, a real decision. Not like the ones I wake up with every other day and passionately nurture for a few hours and the shelf. This time I left work got into my car and did what I've challenged myself to do for several months now.
I was very nervous. I thought I would find this sense of relief, some kind of reprieve from the constant pressure that surrounds me. After signing all the paperwork and then giving it Will I felt nothing. Null of feelings other than the recognition that I just made a giant powerful move, another life altering turn was just made.
Today I feel good about it. I feel hope that I can be a good parent and work with Will on getting the kids raised healthy and wholly. But ultimately I fear that I'll be alone cuddled on a couch with two yorkies.

I haven’t had much to say because inner reflective, analytical Davina has been shelved. Sometimes she wears me out, always trying to figure out why things are the way they are and such. She gets me all tied up in knots and frankly I just need a break.
My level of expectation in life has changed too. I’ve endured a lot of heart ache and pain. My heart as been deconstructed and reconstructed enough now that I don’t recognize it as my own. I pray that it’s somewhere in the process of becoming a heart towards God’s.
The sharpness of life’s edges have also been dulled down or perhaps my armor against it’s cuts is tough enough now that I’m not as easily pushed over.
One thing I do recognize though is I am filled with emptiness in three areas of my life. The first an emptiness of recognition from the pastoral authority of my life that will empower me to alleviate the second emptiness of ministry within the church. The third, well love…the emptiness of the expectation of being truly in love with someone who loves me back to the same degree if not greater.
How do I deal with these things? Well I just keep my eyes and head down and try my best. I substitute my time with activities outside the church walls and support/volunteer for other causes. And lastly I ignore the dull ache in my heart for companionship.
What I do know is that I’m not selling myself short of what I truly want or need. Ultimately if that means I am alone for an extensive amount of time so be it. The thought of aloneness terrifies me I’ll admit but to settle for something convenient and not be happy or complete isn’t the answer either.
All in all I am a woman rebuilding herself…

January 2011

I’ve been chewing on a thought I’ve recently heard in a movie. “You have to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes”. I usually don’t grab my tidbits of inspiration from movies or books, I try and stick to absorbing life changes and behavioral changes through the word of God but wisdom seems to be flowing from one movie/book in particular to me.
Eat, Pray, Love…I can hear the collective sigh as many of you shake your head in disagreement over my movie choices, especially considering the spiritual exploration of the character Liz. Despite her erratic spiritual journey and the misdirection she embraces, her life somewhat echoes mine. She is in the midst of life changing circumstances (brought on by her own decision) that take her down a road of finding out who she is. She unlike me has the money, the time, and the liberty to travel the world as she figures out life.
There are so many thoughts and I quotes I have pulled from this story, I hate that I can relate to such brokenness and helplessness but I am coming to terms with I am a woman whose heart and trust has been broken on many levels. And I too have been an active participant in many of my life’s choices as it was running away from my control. I too have given my heart recklessly, without consideration of the implications and price I would have to pay for my carelessness. Before I go much further, I’d like to mention another word I’ve been chewing on. This one I have continuously been writing on my forearm as a reminder, I know what you’re thinking…writing on yourself? Yea, apparently I need help remembering because I can’t seem to get it right. “Keep thy heart with all diligence for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23. That’s an insanely powerful Word. I’ve given my heart away with reckless abandonment and I have found to be left empty handed and broken.
Back to my original thought…selecting my thoughts the way I select my clothes. Every night, probably every single solitary night that I can remember, the very last thought in my head is “what am I going to wear tomorrow” (shallow I know) but I use this thought as a diffuser for every other one floating around in my head. If I can get my mind to focus on one thing and make a realistic decision on it I often find it helps ease me into sleep. My closet is color organized and I know specifically each article of clothing I own, where I got it, how much I paid for it and what I still need to buy to complete my wardrobe. I know what I wore last Friday and I know what I wore last Tuesday. (Maybe this is the reason I’m writing scripture on my arm. My head is filled with this useless junk)
If I began to select my thoughts the way I select my clothes and put the same consideration into what thoughts I buy into as I do the clothing, I might find that keeping my heart diligently will become a lot easier. This may seem elementary to some but its profoundly impacting me. I’ve had a wardrobe full of clothes for quantity purposes and I have found that in my haste I’ve made some poor choices that at the moment seem to have been good. I’ve purchased poorly and paid for it later.
If I can select my thoughts the way I select my clothes, today my thoughts would say “signature pieces”. I own all the staples, the fundamentals of a good wardrobe. I know all the doctrine and I’ve been practicing it for several years already. With years comes wisdom, I no longer look for quantity in clothes or experiences in life but I look for quality and I don’t mind spending a little more to get it. But one thing I find is that with “quality thinking and purchasing” the choices get tougher and the prices heftier.
Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought… Every 6 months or so I clean out my closet. I get rid of the out dated and the “it doesn’t fit” clothes. But what I don’t do is get rid of the thoughts that have been lurking in my head. Thoughts that I have grown accustom to keeping around because they are comfortable and worn in. Thoughts that control me and identify me. If I don’t do that with my clothes, something so trivial why do I allow myself to do it with my thoughts, when it’s so imperative to renew our hearts and minds. Dare I say I take into consideration what I wear and how I present myself more often than the issues of my heart and mind?
I’ve recently made some dumb purchases I regret. I bought a pair of shoes from Target that when I walk they squeak and another pair of trendy shoes that I’ve worn maybe 4 times and now have no use for. Well, I’ve also made some really bad decisions, life choices that I regret too. And just like the shoes I still haven’t been able to give them up. I entertain the thoughts just like my closet holds those shoes. Which makes no sense because logically I know I only buy brand name 10 hour a day shoes and if they fall short they immediately go back to the store. And spiritually it makes no sense because what Apostolic in her right mind would entertain thoughts that go against every fundamental belief she’s believed and would put at risk the ultimate goal of heaven.
Signature pieces, my last several purchases have been very deliberate. Since I own everything why do I need to own more of the same? So I am working on investing into things that will enhance the fundamental foundation pieces I own. I’ve stopped buying any ol’ thing and I’ve stopped being allured into “it was on sale”. So if I start selecting my thoughts the way I do my clothing, I need to stop being allured into buying into the cheap thoughts I’ll regret later and strive to look for signature thoughts that will help build me into the woman I am to become…

close out to 2010

For several years on end now I have penned my thoughts on the year that is coming to a close and speculated on the year that is to come. In all fairness I was quite gentle on myself at the beginning of 2010. Two thousand and nine and been a rough year on me. One that shook the very foundations of the faith I’ve built my life on. I said something to the effect that my core values, morals, faith and identity had been brought to question and I only hoped to find some semblance of normalcy again. Four days into this new year of mine I felt broken and defeated by my decision making and I looked to God to help me pick up the pieces to the life I made a mess of. Little did I know my world was about to be turned upside down and this broken down faith of mine would have to work to keep us afloat.
Nine days into the new year my family suffered a severe blow. In one writing I described it as a house that was plowed down and left in an unrecognizable heap of debris and we were left to shuffle through the remains and dig until we hit the foundation. Knowing, that if the foundation of the house was still intact the house could be rebuilt. In my weakest form God took me through the toughest storm and asked me to stand and he worked on me. Last year God really became my salvation. My Savior, my redeemer and Calvary became alive for me. I was, I am a sinner saved by grace and I’m not so sure I really understood what it meant to need a Savior up until 2009. In the year 2010 God became my Father.
A Father’s love…man, I know when I look at my kids and even when they are screwing up I never treat them disrespectfully nor do I turn away from them when it becomes painful to see their actions play out for the worst. I do my best to be there for them and give them to tools they need to be better and succeed and I believe they are incredible because I made them. Well if I have this kind of love I have for my kids, my Father's is magnified by eternity. Not once has He turned away in disgust when I screw up, He hasn’t been disrespectful and He has never told me to leave. In the midst of EVERYTHING He has kept it together for me and has had abundant grace on my humanity.

I’ve walked through this year still a complete mess but through every up and down and every good and bad decision my Father oh so gently has taken care of me. First off within weeks of the crumbling house He literally hid me under the shadow of His wings and supplied a trip out of here. The kids, myself, and my niece were able to get away for a small reprieve in the midst of chaos. How did I have the foresight and funds to book a trip to San Diego? God, that’s how, He prepared a place for us to disconnect, breathe, bond and create colorful memories in a scene painted in harsh shades of gray. I remember looking across that beach and seeing those babies playing in the sand and tears of joy filling my eyes of pure love and thankfulness to my kind and gracious Father.

In the midst of my trial and my humanity at play I am filled with regret. So much regret. I feel broken down and crushed, filled with emotional heart pain that expresses itself physically, incredibly weary and my self confidence has flown out the window long ago…despair and depression try and fill my days with lethargic passive self abuse that becomes evident in my eating habits. This is what I’ve become in my flesh and standing here alone this is all I’ve got left to show, a house in crumbled debris. However, thank God in heaven I have another part of me that has a Hope anchored in eternal glory with my Father.
Romans 5:1-7 (hold on to your seats this is a good one) Therefore being justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only, so but we glory in tribulation also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed because the Love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
My faith, as beaten up as it was walking into this year has given me access into His grace. Wherein I stand and rejoice in hope therefore helping me to glory in tribulation, knowing that this process is working out in me something greater than I can imagine. Regrets are experiences that I count as tools of wisdom for future decision making. Psalms 34:18 says the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. The debris was swept away from the house and the foundation was intact.,,2 Timothy 2:19 nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal. The Lord knoweth them that are His. This house can be rebuilt.
Within the first few hours of the initial blow to my house my sister, parents, kids, and Ken had a prayer meeting . Physically, mentally, emotionally broken I laid before the Lord with no words to console my children and no words to communicate my hurt to God. And ever so gently the Living Word of God came as a reassuring rescuing promise “Because thou has set your love upon Me therefore I will deliver you. I will set you on high because thou hast known My name. You will call upon Me and I will answer you. I will be with you in trouble. I will deliver you and honor you”. Psalms 91:14-15. I got up from the floor wiped my eyes and lift my hands and without feeling one ounce of Holy Ghost chills or authority I worshipped. And from that moment to this I have stood on that Word.
One of the biggest questions on my mind this year has been how can I be so full of ugliness, sin, and broken up yet Father keeps walking with me. He provides everything, I look around me and I am at want for absolutely NOTHING, long before the storm my Father prepared us… there have been a few mishaps here and there and being the spoiled brat I am I have “wanted” for things but never have I once needed something that He didn’t already supply or worked it out. My Father even worked out another vacation for us. Again, right at a crucial time of transition through this ongoing trial. I got to see the faces of my kids once again look across the endless ocean in another country, on a boat, in five different cities.

In the midst of the greatest trial of my life I have seen some amazing mountain tops. So I thank God for every moment of this year, every hurt and pain, every devastation, failure, and short coming, for every disappointment, and for every valley. These things will shape and mold me to become that which He has purposed me to become. And I thank him for every moment of happiness, every victory, every blessing, every mountain top, for every reprieve and every quiet moment in His presences. These things will sustain me and build and fashion me to become.